You should be here

Stacie, you should be here…….

That sentence just spins over and over, like a record playing in the background of my busy mind.

You should be here.

You should be here for Bre’s pregnancy announcement. I know you would have cried again and stressed about how she would be able to handle 2 babies under 2.

You should be here so I could show you the house we are buying. To help me pick out paint colors and wall paper.

You should have been here for our Christmas party. Bre did a great job and it ran smoothly. It was hard to be without you but we laughed and connected.

Bre and I are doing the best that we can and making sure to prepare for the holiday rush and Valentine’s Day.  She and I are going to the conference in January and it will be so hard receiving all the hugs and support from  the florists on our team. The ones you and I just connected with a few months ago.

Some days I forget that I can’t call you or text you.  Those days hit the hardest when I see your smiling face from your pinned text thread.

In the days right after your accident, I hardly kept it together but I couldn’t afford to break. I needed to keep our team together. We needed to come together to prepare for your memorial service. Each of doing what we could to honor you the best way we could.

You had hundreds of people show up for you. It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. People waited for hours to talk to your parents and to Tim.

Even more people came to the shop, dropped off food and supplies.

So many cards were delivered. More than I had ever imagined possible.

You have no idea how you impacted our community and our industry.

You were loved by so many people.

You were the glue and the very best of us.

I’ve been going through all the phases of grief.

I was so mad at you after the shock wore off.  So mad that a simple mistake took you from us.

So traumatized that I watched it unfold in front of me. That there was nothing I could do and you were gone in an instant.

I get ptsd flashbacks on a daily basis and see you in your final moments over and over.

I haven’t been able to stop and find some counseling yet.  We have been running ever since that day and there isn’t enough time for myself to process.

I just pushing it away when it comes up. Trying to shove it deeper and deeper inside, only for it to bubble up daily.

Maybe after the valentine’s day chaos is over and I’m back home, I’ll be able to find someone to help me with the trauma.

I know I can’t process this trauma alone. It’s not like losing Franco. Losing you the way we did was the worst thing imaginable and it will always haunt me. 

You should be here.

You should be here.

You should be here.