Living A Shattered Life

Stacie, you should be here…….

That sentence just spins over and over, like a record playing in the background of my busy mind.

You should be here.

You should be here for Bre’s pregnancy announcement. I know you would have cried again and stressed about how she would be able to handle 2 babies under 2.

You should be here so I could show you the house we are buying. To help me pick out paint colors and wall paper.

You should have been here for our Christmas party. Bre did a great job and it ran smoothly. It was hard to be without you but we laughed and connected.

Bre and I are doing the best that we can and making sure to prepare for the holiday rush and Valentine’s Day.  She and I are going to the conference in January and it will be so hard receiving all the hugs and support from  the florists on our team. The ones you and I just connected with a few months ago.

Some days I forget that I can’t call you or text you.  Those days hit the hardest when I see your smiling face from your pinned text thread.

In the days right after your accident, I hardly kept it together but I couldn’t afford to break. I needed to keep our team together. We needed to come together to prepare for your memorial service. Each of doing what we could to honor you the best way we could.

You had hundreds of people show up for you. It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. People waited for hours to talk to your parents and to Tim.

Even more people came to the shop, dropped off food and supplies.

So many cards were delivered. More than I had ever imagined possible.

You have no idea how you impacted our community and our industry.

You were loved by so many people.

You were the glue and the very best of us.

I’ve been going through all the phases of grief.

I was so mad at you after the shock wore off.  So mad that a simple mistake took you from us.

So traumatized that I watched it unfold in front of me. That there was nothing I could do and you were gone in an instant.

I get ptsd flashbacks on a daily basis and see you in your final moments over and over.

I haven’t been able to stop and find some counseling yet.  We have been running ever since that day and there isn’t enough time for myself to process.

I just pushing it away when it comes up. Trying to shove it deeper and deeper inside, only for it to bubble up daily.

Maybe after the valentine’s day chaos is over and I’m back home, I’ll be able to find someone to help me with the trauma.

I know I can’t process this trauma alone. It’s not like losing Franco. Losing you the way we did was the worst thing imaginable and it will always haunt me. 

You should be here.

You should be here.

You should be here. 

The Cruz de Ferro, the Iron Cross.

One of the biggest and most pivotal moments for a pilgrim.

The place to leave the stone or momento that you have been carrying during the journey, a physical representation of the emotional burdens that you have carried with you.

To be honest, initially I was underwhelmed by it.

It’s an iron cross on top of a long round wooden pole, with a small mound of clustered stones surrounding it and a slightly larger mound around it.

It’s directly next to the road and it didn’t seem very important.

I walked up and around the pole, looking at all the stones and momentos that had been left.

There were pictures, rosary’s, stones, medallions and other pieces.

I just didn’t feel the connection that I thought I would.

I placed my hand on the pieces and from my heart, I said “I’m sorry, i can’t leave my stone yet.” I immediately teared and walked away to sit on a bench nearby and contemplate how I felt.

I started with the question internally:

“Why don’t you want to leave your stone (burden) here?”

But it didn’t feel like me talking to myself.

It felt like the cross was asking me. In a very kind and respectful manner.

“I’m not ready to leave it yet, I don’t feel like I deserve to leave it yet”

“Why not” she asked

“Because I haven’t walked the whole way. I’ve taken buses, and trains and don’t feel like I put the effort in.”

“You have been carrying this burden for much longer than just your time on the Camino. You were never meant to carry it this long.”

“I am ready to let it go but just not yet. I promise that I will let it go by the time I walk into Santiago.”

“Ok.” She sighed, then she said “Can I at least make your burden lighter for you to carry until then?”

“No, please don’t. If you want to help, you can make me stronger so it doesn’t feel as heavy.”

“Ok, I will do that.”

The tears were just streaming down my face and I stood up and took one last look at the cross and continued my journey towards Santiago.

I started developing blisters right under my big toe on the left side between the toes and the pads of my foot. It spread to under all my other toes. My feet create too much heat and sweat and all of the declines just compounded it and with all the miles that we had to complete each day, there wasn’t enough time for my feet to “dry out” each night.

It really impacted my mental health, having each step be excruciating.

We had decided to continue our baggage transfers since we had our accommodation already booked and to try and save our feet.

Maria wasn’t doing much better. Her pinky toes had developed deep blisters underneath callouses that had to be cut out.

Even though we were seeing beautiful cities, and landscapes. We stopped being happy. It became a chore, a burden. We trudged along. Most days, we limped our way into town using the trekking poles heavily. We were doing too many km’s each day and not leaving time to enjoy meals, or even each other.

From the time the walk started to the end of the day. We were both using headphones and music to try and distract from the pain.

I understand that undertaking something like this is meant to be a physical challenge and I can appreciate that but it started to feel like it did when I hiked the Appalachian Trail. That my timeline and schedule was too much and I was missing out on the laughter and healing from just taking it slower.

We both did get some moments on the trail where we finally found the reasons why we were hiking.

For me, I had originally planned to do the trail as a way to see Spain and immerse myself in its culture. I also knew that I had more healing to do about Franco’s death.

But what I didn’t expect was for my heart to reach out to me on a rainy day just trudging along and say “you aren’t here to let go of anger or pain over his death. You are here to let go of the guilt that you feel about how happy you are with your life and to ask forgiveness from yourself. To give yourself permission to move on and enter the next stage of your life with Rico.”

I can tell you that it hit me light a bolt of lightning.

I shared that moment of clarity with Maria and it felt so good to say it out loud.

I realized that I was approaching this trail the wrong way and that I didn’t have to push so hard to conform to someone else’s plan.

Especially when my best friend was struggling so hard and wanted to keep pushing for me since this was my dream trip.

My bucket list trip.

But my bucket list didn’t have us being so exhausted and unhappy and I decided to change it and get us back to where we needed to be to be in the right mindset to receive the healing from the Camino.

I decided to jump us to Astorga via buses and trains and then spend the rest of the time that we had, walking shorter days so we could enjoy our time together.

This trail was never about hiking every step of the way. We never had enough time to complete the entire way so bouncing was always in the plan.

I just moved up our timeline about 7 days.

I can already see a difference in myself mentally and physically. My feet have healed a lot and are only irritating now.

We are laughing and smiling again. Sleeping in and letting our bodies heal.

This is the trip that I want.

To laugh with my best friend and see her shine.

Not to dampen her light because she is trying to do such a huge task that she has no experience with. She has been toughening it out and dealing with it for me but that’s not what friendship does.

Friendship recognizes when things are too hard and adjusts.

If I could offer any advice to someone thinking about hiking the Camino.

Do it. But do it on your own terms. Don’t let preset stages and guidebook recommendations of km’s each day make you feel like you have to be walking such long days.

Start with short days and build up from there. Listen to your body and know when you need to rest.

The way is not about pain. It is a part of it but it shouldn’t be the entire point.

I am looking forward to the next 20 days and to see how different the way is from how we started.

The morning started quiet with a lot of coffee and my stomach was in knots.

Finally we were heading out. The trail goes out of town and through the suburbs and down a paved road for a long time. The elevation wasn’t too bad, it was maybe a 6 and got progressively more sloped.

It wasn’t unbearable or unmanageable. Just had to take my time and listen to my body. I had to keep my heart rate under 140 or I started to feel a cramping in my stomach.

It took 3 hours to do the 8 km or 5 miles. Maria is significantly faster than I am. She flew up the mountain like she was shot out of a rocket.

I put my headphones in pretty early since breathing was more important than talking for me. I had a mid pace so I was in a nice bubble where I was walking alone but there were people in front and behind me.

It was really nice and special to be alone. To let the peacefulness wash over me and the weather was perfect. Sunny and warm with a nice cool breeze. Not a cloud in the sky.

When I got to Refuge Orisson, we were a bit too early to check in so we just hung out for a little while then I checked in, showered and went to lay down in the grass near the road.

The trail goes alongside a road for most of the day so cars are always passing you.

It was nice to recharge in the sunshine. Maria took a Power Nap while I journaled. I was on the lookout for the rest of our group which trickled in progressively.

Eventually we went back and joined the group on the terrace and drank beer and wine just talking about the day and getting to know each other until it was time for Pilgrim’s Dinner.

Dinner was 3 courses, seated at long farm house tables. A soup, meat and bean mixture with wine. It was really loud, fun and special.

Before the meal started, one of the employees said they had a tradition where all pilgrims would stand and state their name, where they were from and why they were walking the Camino.

It was really sweet and there were a lot of Americans, and Canadians but also sprinkles of Germans, Italians, South African and others.

The reasons all varied and some were quite emotional. It was a nice was to meet new people.

The sun was setting when dinner was complete and I went immediately to bed. Hoping for a good nights sleep.

The room that we are in houses 8 people, mixed men and women. I got a lower bunk so that was great. It started out cold but then got progressively warmer till it was like a furnace. I tossed and turned all night. The heat was pretty unbearable and the chorus of snoring was pretty terrible. Even with ear plugs.

I was up by 5:30. Maria couldn’t sleep either so we packed up our things outside the dorm so we wouldn’t walk anyone up. Our entire dorm room was awake before the other room.

The sun still hasn’t risen when we went out to sit on the terrace. It was cool and you could see so many stars. Maria swears she saw shooting stars but I didn’t see any.

Breakfast was toast, cereal, coffee and juice.

Luckily I still had food left over so I could snack throughout the day.

We started hiking about 8 am and that was the last time I saw Maria until the end of the day.

It was really cool to walk with the sun coming up with me.

The fog rolled in and out as I hiked up on a smooth paved road. Similar to the Blue Ridge Parkway, winding its way slowly up the mountain. It was too steep but it was relentless. When the fog would lift, the views were epic with cows, sheep and horses free grazing.

The trail eventually left the road and started in a grassy, dirt path then progressively became a really beautiful forested area.

I just listened to music again and walked solo into Roncesvalles.

The down hill was really vicious and my knees were screaming at me.

I finally found Maria and Laura at the end of the hike and we had a picnic next to the river since we were still too early to check in. We had private rooms this time and I was really grateful for it.

I had to elevate my legs after I showered and felt really drained.

We had a group dinner for anyone that wanted to attend. It was pretty good. I had a goat cheese salad, steak and dessert.

Hand washed all my stuff and laid them on the heaters.

The fog came back and the evening was really chilly. I left windows open so I could actually sleep.

We arrived in the afternoon after a briefly stressful train transfer. We made it with two minutes to spare. Nancy from You On The Camino met us at the train station and walked us to our hotel.

We went to the Camino Pilgrim office, got information and our first stamps then we explored the city.

We had dinner and met some nice Americans who were also hiking the trail then called it an early night.

Our hotel was right next to some restaurants so there was lots of talking, music and singing until late in evening. It finally quieted down around 11:30pm.

Maria and I were in separate rooms that were connected by a balcony that overlooked one of the major streets of the city. It was nice to be able to walk over easily and also have space to dry our clothing that we hand washed.

The next morning we had to be out of the hotel by 8 am and stay gone until 2 pm so we had early coffees and breakfast. We sent our extra baggage off to meet us at the end in Santiago and purchased other gear like a day pack and some small gift items like magnets.

The mist covered the city and we walked up to the church and explored the grounds. We didn’t have to meet the ground until later in the morning so we took our time exploring.

When we met up with the rest of the ladies from the group, we did a mini training class on how to use trekking poles then went on a walking tour of Saint Jean to make sure we were all comfortable with them. Afterwards we met back up for lunch and had a variety of crepes. I had a sweet one with chocolate, almonds and whipped cream.

The rest of the day was free time so we spent it grocery shopping, relaxing, packing and preparing to step off on our adventure the next day.

We started the day slowly and we visited the Catacombs of Paris. It was very sobering as there were thousands of bones from hundreds of years ago. There were stacked together and even had designs made from the skull bones. It was lit with lanterns and you had to climb down a lot of stairs and through a hall way of brick and stones. There were poems and quotes in French along the route and was a very interesting experience.

After the catacombs, we walked and toured the Eiffel Tower. We took the elevator to the top and walked down afterwards. The elevator operators will cram you in with as many people as it will hold. It was uncomfortable for sure. We went to the top and had a glass of champagne and enjoyed the view. It was so much bigger than I thought it would be and the cable mechanisms were crazy. At the top, there is even a small apartment that the designer had used to host distinguished guests. It started to rain as we were descending on the stairs so a lot of tourists hide under alcoves and trees, which meant that we were able to take some great pictures without a whole lot of people around. We crossed the bridge and took the view from Place du Trocadero but it had a lot of people trying to sell you keepsakes or try to get you to let them take your picture. We didn’t stay long there.

We took the metro to the Montmartre area and walked all around it.

We played on The Carrousel de Saint Pierre, the Funiculaire Gare Basse, and Basilique du Sacre-Coeur. It was raining off and on the entire time. The panoramic view from the top of Sacre-Coeur was a beast to get to the top of. The stairs were very narrow and it took forever. It was exhausting honestly and my knees were not happy. Going down was even worse. I kept both hands on the walls since there were no rails and I got a bit of motion sickness since it felt like the stairs were never going to stop. On the grounds of the church, lining the fences were thousands and locks. The staff was actually using bolt cutters to remove them one by one from the fencing since it is now illegal to place them there.

Inside the church was very quiet and Maria and I both lit candles and had moments of reflection.

After the church. We went to Place du Tertre and had lunch. We tried frog legs. I didn’t really like them. The tiny bones were too much for me.

Then we started exploring different artistic pieces around the city and the national cemetery.

Afterwards we went back to the hotel, showered and went to the Moulin Rouge show.

I had no idea that it was a mostly topless show with the dancers wearing a thong for the majority of the time. I guess I didn’t pay enough attention when I watched the movie to realize what was actually going on.

The seats were very packed with about 800 people in attendance and the dance routines and costumes were really interesting.

My favorite were the solo and couple acrobatics. The strength and flexibility was insane.

I realized that we were going to something more risqué when it was surrounded by topless and nude bars with lots of security.

The next morning we caught the train headed to Saint Jean to get ready for our adventure

We checked in for our flight with so much time that we were able to take a lot of videos for making reels and were able to access the Delta sky lounge so we passed the time snacking and drinking champagne.

We had first class tickets so we were able to board and get settled quickly. After a delicious dinner, I watched a movie then tried to get some rest. Ended up getting about 3 hrs in total.

I couldn’t get my phone to connect with my international plan so that was frustrating at 6 am. We were able to find the train to go to central Paris pretty easily and had arrived at our hotel around 7:30 am. We were too early to check in but we were able to store our baggage and off we went.

We started walking to the Luxemberg Gardens and it was so nice. There were so many people exercising and walking to work.

We stopped at a restaurant near the gardens for a coffee and a snack before we went and toured the Pantheon.

It was really beautiful. The carvings and the paintings were stunning. There was a crypt that ran underneath that had very famous French citizens like Marie Curie and Voltaire. We went up to the panoramic view and were able to see the city and different areas that we would be seeing later that day.

We walked by Notre Dame enroute to Sainte Chappelle , it is still under construction from the fire in 2018, I think.

The stained glass of Sainte-Chappelle was so intricate and there were hundreds of tiny portraits. The light was hitting it just right and even though it was quite busy, I was able to get some good pictures.

From there we walked to Cour Carree, the Louvre and the pyramids. The court yard was so busy and there were musicians playing all around. The architecture and details were a bit overwhelming. We didn’t tour any part of it but walked around and through it.

We grabbed a sandwich from a stand and sat in the park, listening to the musicians and watching a man blow bubbles for kids. He had different setups that could do tons of small bubbles or massive ones. The adults and the kids both enjoyed the bubbles.

From there we walked and toured the France’s national library and it had a very intricate oval glass roof. It was packed with people studying and on computers but completely silent.

After the library, we went to Palais Granier and toured. It was absolutely gorgeous. The paintings, the architecture, the lighting and candelabras. It was very packed as well with tourists. We could only access a few floors but the opulence was a bit overwhelming when you consider when it was built and the types of parties and operas that it housed.

We ended the day with watching the sunset from the top of Paris Montparnasse tower. It was very windy and a bit cool but very nice. We were able to get a 360 view of Paris and everything we had seen that day. Enroute to the hotel, we stopped and had a late dinner and we tried escargot and it was delicious. I also had my first spritz

It’s finally here. A dream that started 10 years ago while hiking the Appalachian Trail.

I had been putting this dream off. Saying that I would do it someday.

During Covid 2020, all that changed.

I had a trip planned with my best friends to visit Greece that was cancelled due to the world going on lock down. I was depressed, separated from friends, family and overwhelmed with grief with Franco’s loss and the financial impact it all had on my life.

I had decided to go on a hike with my friend and we started talking through it all. He asked me how long I thought it would take me to save up the money to go. We did the math and I came up with 4 years.

I’d need 4 years to save enough to go, 2024.

That sealed it in my mind and I continued planning, saving and moving forward with the intention that I would be hiking it in 2024.

It has been on the horizon through all the changes. Reconnecting with Rico, moving, creating our family, working remotely and through it all just preparing to go.

Rico was instrumental in helping me prepare. He bought me gear, my gps tracking device and prepped all my technical equipment. His encouragement and support has been unmatched.

It helped me focus on the day to day planning, itineraries, and travel plans.

During the legit planning phase, I mentioned the trip to one of my best friends Maria. I jokingly told her that she should come with me and she immediately agreed.

That was it. Now I’m not a solo traveler.

Together we found her proper gear and discussed pros and cons of using different pieces and packing.

I handled all the travel planning since she had to focus on her work. She is basically showing up with her backpack and passport.

She is trusting me that I have it all figured out and my step by step guide I prepared helped calm her fears.

Luckily I found a podcast called “You on the Camino” with the host Nancy. She has so much knowledge and it was the best information based thing I found in all my research. I went to her website and found that she also did one on one and group travel guides.

Maria and I decided to join her September group since the timeline matched ours. Nancy gave us so much information and will be leading the group of ladies for the first 5 days.

The confidence I feel having Nancy’s help is huge. Knowing someone will be looking out for us and start asking the right questions if we don’t show up when we are supposed to has been a great safety feature for me.

I know backpacking, I don’t know international backpacking in a country that I have never visited.

If you have ever watched the movie “The Way”, it features the Camino.

The Camino de Santiago, the way of Saint James. A spiritual pilgrimage of about 500 miles, through France and Spain. This trail has been hiked for hundreds of years by thousands of people.

It’s a completely different animal than the A.T.

This trail is very user friendly and great for solo travelers and women. Instead of carrying everything I would need to survive like a tent, stove, meals, water purification etc. This trail uses an extensive network of hostels and hotels. Pilgrims (hikers) eat at bars or grocery stores. There is baggage service that will transport your baggage from one accommodation to the next if you want to pay the daily fee.

When I hiked the A.T. I carried a 45 lb pack. Entirely too heavy but being plus size affects the type and size of gear that I have to carry.

This time around, I’m down to 16 lbs and that is still considered heavy in this community.

I think each person’s comfort level is different and we all have different needs and priorities so I don’t see my pack getting much lighter.

And that’s just fine with me.

It’s the morning of our flight overseas. I took melatonin to help me sleep and we went to bed super early to start switching our circadian rhythms to France timelines. They are 7 hours ahead.

I started waking up around 1:30 am and finally just gave up sleeping around 4:30 am.

I’m nervous, my stomach is in knots and has been so sensitive.

I’m excited and scared.

10 years of dreaming. 4 years of planning, zoom calls, and research.

It doesn’t feel real yet.

I’m ready to experience all that this trail will bring. I’m ready to process all the emotions and feelings that I’ve been repressing. I’m ready to work out and sweat. To feel those aches and pains from a long distance hike. To be miserable but happy about it.

To cry, scream, be angry and not hold back the storms of emotions.

To see how this trail will heal me. It’s meant to be a spiritual journey, not just physical.

I’m also ready for the physical changes. To jump start weight loss that I hope to continue when I go home.

I’m ready to change and I’m opening myself up to it.

Buen Camino.

It’s been 4 years since Rico and I got together.

4 years that have gone by so quickly.

We sold his house and moved into an apartment so we could use the funds for all the little things we both had plans for.

I decided at Christmas that I wanted us to create a “Fuck It” list.

A combined list of 100 items that we would accomplish this year. Together and separately.

The items vary from small inexpensive things to traveling internationally.

We have been checking things off and it makes me feel like we aren’t wasting time. That we are making the most of our lives.

Even if it’s silly things like learn to make homemade pickles.

We have gotten into a very easy and joyful rhythm.

For a while, I was really struggling when I came back in February.

After the anniversary of Frank’s death.

I started pushing him and Naia away.

Secluding myself and not wanting to be touched or interacting with family time.

Rico recognized the signs and poured even more effort into connecting with me.

He comes home at lunch to kiss me and bring me snacks.

He makes me a cup of coffee every day.

He made a movie night on our porch with string lights and snacks after I had a long work day.

It immediately made me cry.

I’ve never been cared for like this. No one has ever done romantic gestures like this.

It brought me back to life.

I am laughing, singing and dancing again.

He is constantly reminding me how much he loves me. That he has been in love with me since we were teenagers.

I am so grateful to have him in my life.

He is such a good man and our family is thriving because of him.

I want to continue to share my life with him.

I want to grow with him and become the best versions of ourselves that we can.

I want show Naia how all the little things matter and how grateful we should be for them.

To never take them or him for granted.

He makes me want to be a better partner.

To give him as much as he gives me.

6 years. It still feels so fresh some days. My biggest hope is that you see me and that you are proud of me. Proud that I that I am living, loving, exploring, laughing, traveling and doing everything I can to make the most of the time I have here. Your death taught me that there is no guarantees in life and to stop putting life on the back burner, thinking there is always more time. I miss you Franco. I love you and you will always be remembered and forever loved.