It’s almost that time again. Our anniversary. I no longer add the years but I can’t let the day go by without acknowledging it either.
From the moment I saw Franco, to the night he left me….I loved him. Simply, deeply, effortlessly. It’s like my heart took one look at him and dove off the cliff, knowing that his arms would catch me on the way down.
It’s hard moving on from him.
Acknowledging that level of love may never be an option again. That I may never open my heart that completely again. Fearing to need someone, to want someone that much again, to be willing to be destroyed again.
I recently had a conversation with one of the men I am seeing. He has a strong faith in God and told me he knows that God places people in our lives for a reason, cause he wants us to be happy. I replied with a more calloused answer, emotion making my voice crack. I said “I believe to my bones that God/fate/the universe doesn’t want me to be happy and will take away anyone I bring into my life that makes me happy.”
Admitting it out loud was hard. Putting my fears out into the open.
I struggle with this daily. With being happy and waiting for the rug to be pulled out from me again.
This same man has made me feel like I could be with someone again. I’m afraid for him and for us. I’m afraid to bring him closer, that my dark heart will consume him and hurt him.
It’s complicated and messy on both our ends but I can’t help but want more of him in my life.
I’m trying to keep it light, like it doesn’t matter. Like he’s just another casual person but i know it could be more than that.
It hasn’t been long but he makes me want to give up everyone else and consider being “titled” again.
A “couple” is not a word I thought I would ever want to be again.
I’ve been trying to get better, get my shit together, give myself space to breathe.
Give us time and space to figure out what we want to be, together.
Maybe I am taking this too seriously. Maybe it’s not meant to be forever. Maybe it’s just meant for right now. To heal each other, to care for each other, make us better people for someone in the future.
I don’t want to run from happiness or life but I’m afraid to fall in love again. Cause I could fall for this man if I let myself.
If I wasn’t so broken, I would grab his hand and jump off the cliff together. Dive in and see what happens.
But fear has me locked in place. Shaking and doubting that he would want me back, that he would want to take this broken soul and love it until it was whole again. Doubting that I am worth the effort.
Maybe it wouldn’t turn into love…..maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe I don’t have anything to worry about.
I worry because it matters, he matters.
Maybe that’s enough for now, to admit to myself and to him.
Maybe instead of running together. He will stroll with me. Easygoing and let the path unfold as it will.