Passion & Pain

Listening to a heart wrenching song called “Don’t close your eyes”, it’s originally done by Keith Whitley. It’s raw, beautiful and hit hard home. Makes me think back to a intense night with a beautiful soul…..

His beautiful green eyes had looked intently into mine as he uttered words that were so hard to hear.

“I know who I look like. Sometimes when we are together and you look at me, I feel like you are imagining it’s him.”

I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming as my heart broke for him and I could only whisper through the knot in my throat.

“I’ve never thought that and I am so sorry if I made you feel that way. You might have some similar things to him but you are completely different and our energy together is completely different then what he and I shared.”

We talked and shared so much that night. My heart cracking, knowing that we were saying goodbye again.

Knowing no matter how strong our connection was, it was never going to be stronger than our individual pain.

I had gotten ahead of myself.

I jumped the gun and allowed someone in the doorway of my heart before I was ready.

It’s so hard to want someone so strongly physically but not be willing to open up emotionally.

To know that outside of the bedroom, our lives would never be compatible, that we were never meant to be together.

That what we had, was never going to be more than a few stolen hours in the cover of darkness.

It is like an endless loop of passion and pain.

To crash together every 4-6 months for a night when the need got too strong. Knowing when the morning light filtered through the windows, he would unlock the door and walk out again.

As terrible as it sounds, it’s worth it.

To be touched by someone so gently, it’s like he was in love with me and I miss that feeling.

I am so much better at compartmentalizing my life and controlling my emotions than he is.

It’s not something I’m proud of but after the first few times of him walking away to work on himself, I stopped letting him touch my heart.

I haven’t officially dated anyone since Franco passed. I’ve had dates, lovers and a guy who I saw regularly but no one person officially.

I really liked a few of the guys but they decided not to continue seeing me romantically and it has all been very adult like with calm conversations.

Doesn’t make it any easier on my ego.

Right now, I am so over dating. It sucks and is absolutely terrible.

I removed myself from all dating sites a month or more ago. Also all my romantic partners “broke up” with me recently.

I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions with his birthday and the anniversary of his death coming soon.

I’m sure it hasn’t been easy to be with me so I can’t really blame them.

I need to work on myself and figure out how deal with all this pain still left inside of me.

I know I use men to make myself feel better. To distract and feed my physical needs.

That’s not healthy for me or for them.

I’m trying to make smarter choices and to find balance.

To be ok with being alone.

I don’t want anyone to ever feel like a replacement and I need to be sure that I’m not doing that unintentionally.