This past month was very hard on me.
It felt like January would never end. Preparing for Valentine’s Day at work and preparing my heart for the 2 year mark.
Then February took two seconds to go through then it was over.
I realized something this time around.
I don’t talk to him anymore.
In the beginning, I talked to him all the time. It’s not like the pain has lessened but it’s more like I’ve come to the realization that he is actually gone and he can’t hear me.
So basically like God, he’s not listening so I’ve stopped talking.
My first year without him, I didn’t let myself grieve. I made myself smile, laugh and keep going. Not letting the truth touch my heart.
I was too angry and hurt to say goodbye to him.
My second year, I tried to use other men to hide the fact that I was lonely and missing the touch of someone who loved me. I couldn’t help but compare them to him and they always came up short. It wasn’t fair to them and I was lying to myself.
I think I’m finally hitting the stage when it fully hits me that he is truly gone and I’ll never see that smile again.
It has made me so angry again.
I feel like I keep losing him.
Over and over and it doesn’t get easier, going through the “stages” of grief to end up in the same damn place.
So sensitive and losing control of my emotions.
I don’t like who I am.
I hate that I lost the hopefully and happy me.
I realized I don’t laugh anymore.
Not like I used too. The full belly, loud kind of laugh. The kind that is natural and easy.
I hardly ever smile unless it’s a forced work happy face.
I miss the carefree me who found joy in everything and had a bright light inside.
I talked to Trina about it and she said that I do this every year. That I feel this exact way, every year at this time frame. February is so traumatic for me that the aftermath just leaves me burned out.
It made sense but also made me feel terrible again. Knowing that my best friends see this pattern and I always pull away from them.
That they just have to wait me out till I’m ready to be loved again.
I have been fighting the urge to leave this place. To just up and sell the house now instead of working the plan and getting debt free.
I want to disappear into the woods again. To carry all that I need on my back and be surrounded by nature.
To fight and struggle with the physical demands so it gives my mind a chance to work it out on its own.
The more research and prep I do for when I will travel and hike, the more that the urge to leave drowns me.
I know that no matter where I go, my pain will always be with me. I can’t cut and run cause I carry it with me everywhere. I have to deal with that fact or I will never find peace.
Not when I carry the destruction inside.
I need to stop the bleeding but I don’t know how. I can lessen it but it always shows through the binds I tie around it.
The stitches on my heart keep getting ripped open and I’m not healing right.
I don’t know what to do and I am tired of feeling so tired. Tired of carrying this pain. Tired of going through the motions of living a half life.
I miss him. I miss the joy and the security I felt with him. The confidence his love gave me.
I feel like he would be disappointed in me. That I’ve let his death destroy the things about me that he loved.
His death destroyed the woman I was.
I don’t think he would like this new version of me.
I know I don’t.