I had a thought today that stopped me in my tracks.
It’s been 2.5 years.
2.5 years without him.
2.5 years without looking into those beautiful blue eyes. Laughing at his funny faces. The way he would stomp his feet and growl at me.
I look at his orb with his ashes every morning. I think about where our life would be. What adventures we would have gone on together during this time.
How has so much time passed and I am still so lost without him.
It’s my birthday in a couple weeks and it still hits me so hard that he won’t be here to celebrate with me.
I’ve been bouncing between being super happy and excited for the future and feeling so empty and afraid to move forward.
I am dating a wonderful man. He loves me so deeply and is so understanding of my crazy moods. There has been so many times when I can’t fake a smile and he just gives me the space I need to collect myself. He doesn’t push, he just waits for me to come back to him.
He knows that I struggle every day with loving him. With feelings of guilt and unworthy of love.
I have been having crazy thoughts about he and I. About starting a family together.
That is one topic that has been off limits, non negotiable. Even before he and I were together when we get just kids. I wouldn’t let kids be an option.
Now, I dream of our babies. They are beautiful, smart, kind and artistic. The best parts of each of us. He and I have talked about it briefly. It’s something that is open for discussion at a later date. He is 50/50 on it, I’m more like 25 pro/75 con. Which is actually a huge, scary step for me.
He has a daughter. I want to love her and I want her to love me. I want to be an example for her.
A strong, sensitive, kind, throat punching example.
Maybe our weird little family will be enough to curb this strange desire to have a child. Maybe it will only make the desire stronger.
I’m just keeping my head down, working my ass off and paying off debts.
Working my way to whatever my future will be.