All the things I never say

When I first moved down, I didn’t realize how much my life was going to change. I obviously knew that it was going to a completely different direction that I had been heading but I don’t think I realized this extent.

There are so many things that I have experienced now and realize that no one ever tells you about being a parent. Or maybe it’s just not considered polite to say it out loud so no one does.

How isolated I feel. Being here with no family, no friends, working from home and taking care of Naia in the mornings. I don’t have “Me” time. I don’t have the luxury of doing the stuff that I like to do. Specifically, she’s too little to enjoy it or she hates it in general.

I have to constantly be “On” or paying active attention to her or I feel guilty like I am a bad parent if I turn the T.V. on or let her play on her devices while I do chores around the house. I never got to play with my mom so maybe that is why I overcompensate.

My mom had three kids and worked multiple jobs. Most of the time, we only saw her in the morning before school and at night for dinner. We didn’t get to play with her. She was never able to make it in time for any of my games once I started playing sports. I went to a babysitter until I was old enough to be home alone. We entertained ourselves until she got home.

Looking back now, I’m sure she was exhausted in the evenings but she would still cook dinner and we would “help” her before we had to do homework and all that over stuff.

Which is why, I think I try so hard to be actively there with Naia and do activities that teach her things or make her excited. I wanted that when I was little. I wanted a mom that would take spontaneous trips to the beach, or park or take a day off work to come to a school event. We grew up pretty poor but we were loved so much that it never really mattered.

I am luckily in a place financially that I am able to work part time and still do those things with her. I have the flexibility to spend as much time as she wants together.

But it’s costing me……ME.

I’m losing my identity. My alone time. My time to grieve freely. My creative time. All the emotions that scream to be released but I can’t. I can’t have a bad day, I can’t lose my temper or tell her to leave me alone and play in her room by herself. I can’t soothe my soul with a walk in the woods.

I understand that she is only going to be little for so long so I am trying to soak it up and create some lasting bonds. Memories that she will cherish and pass down to her kids in the future.

When Rico gets home, he doesn’t play with her. Not actively playing. He’s exhausted from work and just wants to take some alone time to wind down and I’m over here like, “Hey buddy, my shift was over this morning. You get her for the next 5 hours. I also had to work today, and clean up this house before you got home.” His version of playing, is putting her on his lap and watching videos on the computer with her until she gets bored.

Maybe that’s all he is can give her at those times. Maybe he is just as tired as me and we both are doing the best that we can.

Now that I think about it. He doesn’t have “Me” time either. He leaves before I get out of bed in the morning and on the nights that we don’t have her, we are trying to reconnect. We have mini date nights and we are together. He doesn’t get any time that he needs to release either.

On the weekends that we have her. He cooks us meals and we go on adventures or we will build blanket forts and hang out. We are constantly doing something.

This past weekend. I was making pancakes after we all slept in. Rico and I were laughing and dancing to music while Naia and the cat hung out in the fort I made. Looking from a third person view, all I could think was “this is what other people dream about having…so why am I sad.”

It’s because I still think about Franco every day. I’m still upset that he isn’t here. Even though I have this beautiful life that is so hard day in and day out. There are music concerts and festivals that I want to go to with him. I want to have our Rocky marathons.

I miss my best friend.

My life with Franco was easy compared to this. We had so much freedom.

Maybe that’s what I miss most.

My freedom.

I chose not to have kids because I wanted that freedom so badly. I wanted to be selfish and do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

I still don’t want any kids of my own and I am very grateful that we can pass her off to the other parents during the week and weekends.

I think I would go insane if I had to be a mom 24/7.

I’m barely making it as a part time mom….

Author: firemaker1

When I lost the man that I loved, the life I knew shattered in an instant. Not only did I lose him in my life, I lost him and all the plans we had made for our future. This is my journey to learn to live again.

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