I lit candles for them….

Walking the Camino de Santiago wasn’t what I had expected.

In some ways, I was really disappointed.

From all of the videos, movies and documentaries that I watched, it was a pilgrimage that allowed you to completely disconnect from the world, similar to the Appalachian Trail.

However, that was not the case.

I was expecting to walk through wooded trails without the modern world but this trail walks you side by side the world.

The road is a consistent companion and most of the time, it is the trail.

Since towns and pilgrim hostels sprang up along the way, it makes sense the road would wind its way next to it.

It took me a long time to accept it and figure out how to have a healing journey without escaping modern society.

I withdrew into myself and tried to focus on healing and letting go of the anger that I thought I had about Franco’s death. 

It took me some time to realize that every time I went into a church and paid 2 euro and lit a candle at the stunning altars, I wasn’t asking for my anger to fade.

I was asking for peace. I wasn’t able to pray along the way. I just kept saying “please bring me peace.”

After my conversation with the iron cross, I realized that I was asking for peace in my decision to move forward with my life.

The life I built after Frank died. I was asking permission from myself to accept that I had to close that chapter in order to start the next one. Peace in the decision that Rico and I were going to try and have a baby. Peace in my soul that I could accept if we didn’t get pregnant because of my age and all the complications that pregnancy carries. Peace that I would have a healthy child if we did get pregnant.

Church after church, I would just simple say “please give me peace.” Just watching the flame dancing in the silent halls.

By the time that we had we made it to the end and walked into Santiago, I had been able to truly pray and be grateful for the experience.

When I got home from the way, tragedy came and my friend Staci was killed in front of me the first morning I was home.

It killed everything that I had built up along the way. It killed the peace in my soul and the fragile trust I had started to build again in God or the universe. 

It took me months of intense therapy and my stress level was so high as my mind and body tried to adjust and let go of the images that would come unannounced during my day.

During this time, we found out that we were pregnant. My period was very late but we both thought it was the stress.

I took 4 different pregnancy tests during this time and they were all negative until one wasn’t.

We celebrated by making hash browns which is a big deal for a keto diet home. Since it was so early, we had a long time to wait until our first appointment. I was working out and talking to the baby constantly. I told my inner circle and everything seemed ok until it wasn’t.

I started to bleed, slowly, like the beginning of a period and I knew in my soul that I was losing the baby. I tried to reason that it wasn’t happening but by the time Rico got home that evening, we knew the truth.

We headed to the ER and had an ultrasound to confirm what we already knew. There was nothing anyone could do since it was so early. We just went home and I continued to bleed and we lost that baby. 

To make matters worse, we got Covid somehow from being in the ER so we had to go into quarantine and grieve this lost life.

I struggled for months after.

I didn’t feel guilty because I know that I did everything right and it just wasn’t meant to be but it didn’t make it any easier.

After I was healed and my periods restarted, we agreed that we would try again for one year and if nothing happened then we would move on with our lives.

One month later, I end up having a dream that I couldn’t shake.

In my dream Rico and I were at the hospital after having had a baby boy and we were getting ready to go home. It was a third person view kind of dream and I kept seeing this strange woman watching us, showing up where we were, almost like she was stalking us. She never spoke, she just watched us. She followed us home to figure out where we lived.

Then she came back with a baby carrier and she left it at our front door, rang the bell and ran away.

When we came to the door, there was a beautiful baby girl in the carrier. She had all her records, birth certificate and a handwritten notes from the woman. Telling us that she had been watching us and realized that we were going to be great parents and that I could take better care of her baby than she could. 

The poor thing was so small and dirty. We brought her into our home and she became part of our lives.

I couldn’t shake this dream.

I kept thinking about the woman and saying “what kind of crazy lady would leave a baby at my door?” And I realized that it wasn’t a crazy lady. It was my friend Staci.

She was giving us this gift. 

So I ordered a pregnancy test and took it even though I was still 10 days out from my period and it was positive.

I told Rico again by holding up a package of hash browns and he realized what I meant.

It was really hard for us to wait for the first appointment and when I heard the heartbeat, I just cried.

I’ve been terrified that we would lose this baby too. Every appointment I will hold my breath until they located her heart beat.

I pulled away emotionally from her in case we lost her. I didn’t talk to her like I did the first baby.

I told my therapist that I withdrew to protect my heart and she reassured me that this pregnancy and the first one were completely different events and even though my brain thinks they are the same, I was allowed to have joy and also grieve the loss.

We have been celebrating her and getting the house ready. My friends and family can’t wait to meet her but to me. She is still an abstract thought.

I can feel her moving and see her on the ultrasounds but it’s like my heart refuses to accept that she is real and ok until she is in my arms.

It has been a very easy pregnancy physically with no issues or signs that I’m pregnant other than getting huge.

We are only a few weeks from meeting her and it’s still very hard for me to not worry.

To monitor her movements closely and do everything I can to keep us healthy.

I still grieve the child we lost and always will but I am grateful for her and for the chance to write the next chapter in my story. 

I didn’t know that I was lighting candles for both of my babies when I was walking the way.

I see now that it was for all three of us.

The real journey will start soon but I am so happy that Staci played a part in letting me know that we would be ok and that we were meant to be parents.