Saying Your Name

I finished reading a book today about grief and coping after losing someone to a sudden and violent death.

What a waste of fucking money…

The title is great and I thought it would help but it didn’t. It was geared mostly towards people who had someone murdered or killed by another person. It started out good then quickly veered off, it’s like it was trying to reach to many people and was very generalized. Except when describing court and legal actions.

I will continue to look and read books to help but it’s becoming clear that what I need is a more personal view not helpful hints.

I need to read about someone breaking down and sitting on the floor in tears. Being so angry that you feel like your skin should rip from trying to hold in the brokenness. How you can be so high, laughing, happy and then crash into despair within hours… Moments even.

The parts I did take away from the book was that I will not go through the stages of grief the same as someone who is able to prepare for the death of their loved one.

I knew that already.

That each person feels differently based on who they were before it happened. The ones with the strongest support system will have an easier time, those who were independent from their partner, if they have faith.

I’ve been working on doing the small things. Laundry, dishes, cooking, working and staying busy. From the outside, I’m sure it looks like I’m doing really well and finding happiness again… Smiling again.

They don’t see that I hide it from them. I grieve in silence and alone. Like it’s a hidden addiction that I’m ashamed of. I just don’t want to keep throwing my pain in their faces, reminding them of his loss, of their own fragility.

Hell, I can’t even get them to say his name. Like saying Frank out loud or talking about him is going to make me upset or make me break down. Yes, I will probably cry but it’s just cause I can’t stop it from happening….it doesn’t mean that it hurts me.

I say his name as much is possible, to hear it again. I don’t want to lose the memories or stories that other people may have with him or about him.

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It’s still so surreal that my sweet love, my best friend came to this bitter end. I am hurt beyond measure, sorrow fills each and every breath I take. I’d give everything to lay in your arms again. To run my hand across your chest while we lay in bed. To cup your face like I did countless times before. To look into your beautiful blue eyes and see your secret smile, the one only for me.

 

 

Losing You

It’s the quiet moments in the morning that hurt the most. That haze in my eyes as they adjust to the sun shining through the windows. It’s peaceful, quiet and painless….until that first thought creeps in and I lose you all over again.

I hear your moms desperate voice echoing the words that shattered my world. Over and over it plays.

I go through the motions, day in and out. I just want to hear your voice and I’m dying inside without you.

I’ll get busy at work and forget that you’re gone. I’ll get out my phone to text you, see how your day is going or just to say I love you. It’s like a knife slices open my heart and I’m left bleeding out on the floor. I just have to put my phone away and go back to work. Find a distraction to stop the tears from falling.

I’m so angry now.

Little things cause me to explode and I try to cover it up with a smile but it wears thin. I struggle to keep the mask on so the outside world can’t see my pain.

I have to thrown myself into distractions. Seeing new places, spending time with friends. I would be lost without my friends, without your friends. They help me to laugh, smile and remember you.

I haven’t turned to alcohol or medications. I don’t want to dull  this pain or shove it down to the darkest parts of me like I usually do.

I want this brokenness to heal, to have the wounds on my heart heal, and just leave the thin white scars from loving and losing you.

I just don’t see the light in the darkness yet. You surround me, you’re everywhere. In our house, music, clothing, every facet of my life… You are there.

It feels like a betrayal to think about moving on or changing our house. I don’t want to hide you away, but I don’t want it to become a tomb either.

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I keep 2 battery lite candles and a strong shot of whiskey next to your picture in the frame. Always remembering and honoring you.

I just feel like a ship in the middle of a storm. Waves tossing me from one side to the next, choking on the tears as they stream down relentlessly. You were my lighthouse, standing tall and true. Always bringing me home, no matter how far I travelled away from you.

Now I’m searching into the blackness, wind howling, screaming around me. Unable to see my way.

Everyone is telling me to look to God and I just can’t. That wound goes far deeper than they realize. I get glimpses of light, through my friends and family. They are slowly leading me home and the more I open up and let them in, the more light will make it through my storm.

Maybe that’s how God will reach me with his love. Through the love our friends are pouring out to me. Because I’m done reaching up to Him, reaching up for his help. If he wants to reach me….he has to find me where I am.

He has always been silent when I prayed for guidance, direction, to know the purpose for my life. I know he doesn’t cause pain but he could’ve saved you. He could’ve delayed you by five minutes and you would have been in my arms now.

I have to avoid when my mind starts thinking this way,  it always leads to the one thing that will never let me heal 100%.

If I hadn’t been sick, if I hadn’t canceled dinner… You would’ve come home at the regular time. I told you to go out and spend time with your friends. It’s my fault, and I’ll never forgive myself. It’s that dark truth that I have to lock away in my heart. To surface from time to time. Just enough to remind me, to cut me, to watch me bleed and laugh at the pain it causes.

 

Finding My Way

April 17th, 2018, the man that I had been in love with for 12 years was involved in a motorcycle accident and was killed.  He was taken from me violently and in an instant my whole world changed.

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This is my journey to figure out how to live in this new world, without him.

It’s not pretty. It’s gritty and raw like a scar that keeps ripping open…..over and over. I’m just left with tears streaming down my face and a hole where my heart used to be. Taking it one moment to moment.

I’m not ok but i’m fighting to get there.

This is one way.