My grief is like the ocean…..
It starts like a sunny day on the beach. I’ll be laughing and having fun, then something will happen…
Sometimes it’s as simple as a friend stopping to see me and asking me how I’m really doing or a song that plays on the radio.
Then a few clouds will start to roll in and block the sun. I’m still doing good but I know the clouds are there. Air changes, winds pick up, the waves start lapping at my feet.
Then something else will happen.
I’ll hear his ringtone or have to help a client send flowers for a funeral service. Hear them tell me how hard it is. Not knowing that I know exactly how it feels.
Now the clouds are covering the sky, slowly turning gray. I can see the horizon start to darken and turn black, the wind start whipping my hair and the waves are crashing into me. The smell of rain is now in the air.
Most days I can stop at here. I can hold it back by literally saying the word “stop” out loud. I change my focus, my thoughts and the storm stays back.
When I can’t stop it. I can see the rain in the distance. Thunder booms and lightning crackles around me. Waves slam into me, knocking my feet from under me. I stumble blindly. The tears start then. Slowly, softly, like a summer rain until I lose control and give myself over to the storm. I let the waves crash over and over, dragging me into the riptide. I can’t breathe, I can’t see, my breath comes in ragged heart wrenching gasps and I just rage with the storm.
I let it go until I feel like there’s nothing left.
After it has run its course. I looked back and watch the clouds receed into the horizon. Leaving echoes of thunder and misting rain.
The Intense storms are not as frequent but I feel like they’re always there. Coiled up inside me, begging to be released, to rage and drag me under again.