It’s the quiet moments in the morning that hurt the most. That haze in my eyes as they adjust to the sun shining through the windows. It’s peaceful, quiet and painless….until that first thought creeps in and I lose you all over again.
I hear your moms desperate voice echoing the words that shattered my world. Over and over it plays.
I go through the motions, day in and out. I just want to hear your voice and I’m dying inside without you.
I’ll get busy at work and forget that you’re gone. I’ll get out my phone to text you, see how your day is going or just to say I love you. It’s like a knife slices open my heart and I’m left bleeding out on the floor. I just have to put my phone away and go back to work. Find a distraction to stop the tears from falling.
I’m so angry now.
Little things cause me to explode and I try to cover it up with a smile but it wears thin. I struggle to keep the mask on so the outside world can’t see my pain.
I have to thrown myself into distractions. Seeing new places, spending time with friends. I would be lost without my friends, without your friends. They help me to laugh, smile and remember you.
I haven’t turned to alcohol or medications. I don’t want to dull this pain or shove it down to the darkest parts of me like I usually do.
I want this brokenness to heal, to have the wounds on my heart heal, and just leave the thin white scars from loving and losing you.
I just don’t see the light in the darkness yet. You surround me, you’re everywhere. In our house, music, clothing, every facet of my life… You are there.
It feels like a betrayal to think about moving on or changing our house. I don’t want to hide you away, but I don’t want it to become a tomb either.
I keep 2 battery lite candles and a strong shot of whiskey next to your picture in the frame. Always remembering and honoring you.
I just feel like a ship in the middle of a storm. Waves tossing me from one side to the next, choking on the tears as they stream down relentlessly. You were my lighthouse, standing tall and true. Always bringing me home, no matter how far I travelled away from you.
Now I’m searching into the blackness, wind howling, screaming around me. Unable to see my way.
Everyone is telling me to look to God and I just can’t. That wound goes far deeper than they realize. I get glimpses of light, through my friends and family. They are slowly leading me home and the more I open up and let them in, the more light will make it through my storm.
Maybe that’s how God will reach me with his love. Through the love our friends are pouring out to me. Because I’m done reaching up to Him, reaching up for his help. If he wants to reach me….he has to find me where I am.
He has always been silent when I prayed for guidance, direction, to know the purpose for my life. I know he doesn’t cause pain but he could’ve saved you. He could’ve delayed you by five minutes and you would have been in my arms now.
I have to avoid when my mind starts thinking this way, it always leads to the one thing that will never let me heal 100%.
If I hadn’t been sick, if I hadn’t canceled dinner… You would’ve come home at the regular time. I told you to go out and spend time with your friends. It’s my fault, and I’ll never forgive myself. It’s that dark truth that I have to lock away in my heart. To surface from time to time. Just enough to remind me, to cut me, to watch me bleed and laugh at the pain it causes.