Saying Your Name

I finished reading a book today about grief and coping after losing someone to a sudden and violent death.

What a waste of fucking money…

The title is great and I thought it would help but it didn’t. It was geared mostly towards people who had someone murdered or killed by another person. It started out good then quickly veered off, it’s like it was trying to reach to many people and was very generalized. Except when describing court and legal actions.

I will continue to look and read books to help but it’s becoming clear that what I need is a more personal view not helpful hints.

I need to read about someone breaking down and sitting on the floor in tears. Being so angry that you feel like your skin should rip from trying to hold in the brokenness. How you can be so high, laughing, happy and then crash into despair within hours… Moments even.

The parts I did take away from the book was that I will not go through the stages of grief the same as someone who is able to prepare for the death of their loved one.

I knew that already.

That each person feels differently based on who they were before it happened. The ones with the strongest support system will have an easier time, those who were independent from their partner, if they have faith.

I’ve been working on doing the small things. Laundry, dishes, cooking, working and staying busy. From the outside, I’m sure it looks like I’m doing really well and finding happiness again… Smiling again.

They don’t see that I hide it from them. I grieve in silence and alone. Like it’s a hidden addiction that I’m ashamed of. I just don’t want to keep throwing my pain in their faces, reminding them of his loss, of their own fragility.

Hell, I can’t even get them to say his name. Like saying Frank out loud or talking about him is going to make me upset or make me break down. Yes, I will probably cry but it’s just cause I can’t stop it from happening….it doesn’t mean that it hurts me.

I say his name as much is possible, to hear it again. I don’t want to lose the memories or stories that other people may have with him or about him.

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It’s still so surreal that my sweet love, my best friend came to this bitter end. I am hurt beyond measure, sorrow fills each and every breath I take. I’d give everything to lay in your arms again. To run my hand across your chest while we lay in bed. To cup your face like I did countless times before. To look into your beautiful blue eyes and see your secret smile, the one only for me.

 

 

Author: firemaker1

When I lost the man that I loved, the life I knew shattered in an instant. Not only did I lose him in my life, I lost him and all the plans we had made for our future. This is my journey to learn to live again.

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