Dreaming Again

I’ve started dreaming again.

I stopped after Frank died. It was like my mind partitioned itself and allowed me to have deep, black and effortless sleep.

My dreams have always been very real, complex, crazy amounts of detail and richness.

One of the biggest fights that Frank and I had ever had was because of a dream.

To borrow a lyric from Luke Combs’ song When It Rains, It Pours:

“Sunday morning….Man, she woke up fighting mad”.

I had dreamed that I had caught him cheating on me, red handed, he had smacked me in the face with it.

So I woke up angry at him and I took it out on him…….all day long.

Just being petty and making little comments.

Now Frank’s temper was like those packs of firecrackers. The ones that are all bound together that make lots of intense popping noise, flashes and smoke….then it’s gone.

My temper is like a tea pot. It takes me a long time to heat up but I once I’m there, I boil and then screech.

So, finally Franco has enough of my attitude and finally snaps.

Franco: “What the fuck is wrong with you today?”

Me: “Maybe you should ask that girl that you were cheating on me with last night!”

He gives me this look of shock and bewilderment.

F:…..What chick?! I was here with you?!”

M: “The one in my dream! You fucking cheated on me in my dream.”

Now he gives me his irritated face look…

F: “Well you need to get the fuck over it, cause I didn’t do shit wrong”

M: *roaring* “I KNOW!! I’m trying, ok!”

And that was that.

He moved on and didn’t say anything else about it and I did my best to calm down and eventually came over to get cuddles and apologize for being crazy.

It became one of our inside jokes whenever the song came on and that lyric sang out and he would look at me and repeat it. “She woke up fighting mad…” and I would just smile and say “…fighting mad.”

So of course, my first dream is of him.

It wasn’t anything special, he was just sitting on the couch, talking to me.

It was like when you turn the TV on mid movie, I was just there with him again, out of nowhere. It had that white lighting, the dream like feel they always have in movies.

I was looking in the third person initially, looking at he and I and I knew it was a dream.

I even said out loud, “This is a dream…..” and it immediately changed to the first person view. I don’t even know what he said, he was just in his super chatty mood. So my dream self, knowing that it wasn’t real, just held his hand and cuddled with him. Just focusing on the little things. How blue his eyes were, how the gray in his beard was streaked, how his hands fit with mine, how he laughed….just soaking him in.

He went to leave and gave me a quick peck but I stood up and just hugged him really tight, kissed him and told him I loved him as he walked out of the garage door. Stopping to do the feet stomp and growl that he always did to me and he was gone and I woke up.

It was beautiful.

I know it wasn’t a goodbye dream but he came to comfort me and make me smile. To let me know, he will always be with me.

Author: firemaker1

When I lost the man that I loved, the life I knew shattered in an instant. Not only did I lose him in my life, I lost him and all the plans we had made for our future. This is my journey to learn to live again.

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