The band Breaking Benjamin have an absolutely heartbreaking song called Dear Agony. Lyrically, it’s beautiful and sad.
The part that hits me the most is “…Dear Agony, just let go of me. Suffer slowly. Is this the way it’s supposed to be?…..Dear Agony…..”
As if Agony is a person that I could talk to, reason with, bargain with. Convince it to leave me. Instead of it sneaking in through the cracks and hitting me out of nowhere.
I had been doing ok until this week.
I picked up his bike from the shop. The insurance company totaled it and I bought it back. I asked his shop to put it on a pallet for me since the front end is completely damaged and it is incapable of rolling. I went there to pick it up and they had completely encased it in a metal crate, the ones new bikes come in.
The care they put into tying it all down and actually moving onto the crate was almost more than I could take. Nick even loaded it on in the bed with the forklift and put air in the tires for me.
I know they loved him and being burly motorcycle men, they can’t say it out loud but their actions and how well they took care of me shows it.
I had asked a few to come over and help me offload it but before they showed up. The husband of my workout partner came to help with his friend and turns out he has a hydraulic engine block lift. So they rolled it down the block and all 5 of us carefully guided it up and set it in the garage. We didn’t even have to break a sweat.
Chuckie stayed over and had a few beers with me on the porch afterwards and we just talked openly about Franco and missing him. He described his pain like a scab that he kept itching so it’s not healing. I think that is a really good way to describe it. Mine isn’t like that but I understand it.
I didn’t get emotional about the bike until the next day. I wasn’t weepy, I was just so angry at everyone and everything. To a point where I had to walk away at certain times so I wouldn’t start yelling and had to close my eyes to take deep breaths.
I’m trying to keep it together but it’s just so damn hard.
I decided awhile back ago that I am going to get a memorial tattoo for him. I know that my story will go on and I may meet someone in time but Franco will always be with me regardless. I won’t use his name or dates so outwardly it won’t read like a memorial immediately but I’ll know. It would be similar to this skull and hair
I would see if it was possible to change the beard style to similar to the bottom left but longer in the front.
I’m also thinking about putting a song lyric from a Rag’N’Bone Man song called “Skin”. It would read:
“……When my skin grows old, When my breath runs cold, I’ll be thinking about you, When I see you on the other side, We can try all over again….”
That’s how I feel.
That when my end comes, my last thought will be of him and if what they tell me is true, he will be on the other side, just waiting for me.
I just have to go thru this life the best I can until then.
….Dear Agony, please let go of me