Here it is.
We are a little more than a month from the third anniversary of his death.
I’ll spend it like I always do. Quietly. Reflecting on his life, our love and losing him.
It’s been a strange year for me and for the world.
2020 brought a pandemic that shut down the world and forced us all to slow down and find alternative ways to connect.
To be fair, 2020 was probably one of the best years that I have had financially.
I didn’t lose my job and was lucky enough to keep working the whole time.
However, with everything shut down, I stopped spending money and focused on my financial plan to get debt free.
I have managed to complete 2 phases from my 4 phase plan.
The third phase is currently underway and about 1/3 of the way done.
This new year, 2021 is a year of change and growth.
I will be putting Frank to rest at sea this year. I’ll take his ashes on a final ride on his repaired motorcycle. From our home, to his finally resting place in the sea. To know that I can visit him anytime I want to. On any shore. He and I will share every sunrise and sunset as the light dances on the water.
I will take some extended time alone to find peace with that release. To deal with all the emotions that will come from completing that for him. Either by hiking or a road trip by myself.
Then it will be time to move on to the next chapter of my life.
I will be moving to be with Rico and we will start building a life together.
He and I knew from the beginning of our reconnection that it would happen.
We have been quietly making moves and making our way to this point.
I have started to slowly pack up my home. I won’t sell it yet but I’ll have it ready to go on the market when it’s time.
It hasn’t been easy. I have a check list that I broke down to very small tasks so I can feel like some progress has been made.
It’s hard emotionally for me. I will pack a few pieces then have to stop until the tears pass and I can start packing again.
It’s a rollercoaster.
I am at peace about the move and the decision to completely change my life.
It’s seeing empty walls and shelves that makes it real that I’m leaving this life and this home.
To start a brand new adventure.
To help co-parent a child. I’m excited and also terrified. I never imagined I would have that experience and it is an immense responsibility.
This is the first time that I’ve talked about the move. No one outside my immediate family, close circle of friends and my boss know.
It’s not really anyone’s business anyways but I’ve always felt that it’s better to work in silence until everything is in place.
I don’t want to make it a big deal. I just want to work my last day, say “have a good night” and walk out like I have countless times.
Like I will see everyone the next day. The only person that I was scared to tell was his mother.
I felt the need deep in my soul to ask for Frank’s mother’s blessing to move forward.
It was last piece of the puzzle that I needed to be ok with moving forward.
She has given it and I can’t explain the intense relief that I felt reading her words. Like I could finally take a deep breath.
Now I feel ready to move forward, with the full love and support of all my family.