First steps

I thought I had it all figured out. That I had dealt with my emotions about selling the house.

I was so wrong.

I go to the closing on Friday.

I had put the house on the market on a Friday morning and by that afternoon, had accepted an offer.

It all worked out really well and has been a really easy experience.

I moved my hiking gear, some basic clothes and my cat to Texas and then spent a week with Rico before I left for a month long road trip.

That trip took me all around the U.S. Seeing places on my bucket list. I brought Frank’s orb with me and I felt him next to me so often.

Just enjoying the views and at times I just wished I could put my arm around him and rest my head on his chest like I used to do.

I circled back around to South Carolina with a few days left before the closing and I still have so much to prepare.

Dump runs, goodwill runs, selling furniture, loading moving vans.

It’s all overwhelming and I can’t stop crying or feeling so lost.

This house has been the anchor to Frank.

The place that we built together.

It’s where I felt safe and could let down my guard when life got too hard.

It’s been full of laughter, love and of loss.

If these walls could talk, what stories they could tell….

Of family brunches with coffee and laughter overflowing.

To slip and slide parties and movie nights.

To the terrible night of the accident and my anguish in the days that have followed.

To all the love that was made here.

As I walk through the house, the silence is deafening.

The empty rooms just echo with all the plans left undone.

I know that this is the next step for me but I am grieving the loss of the life I knew.

When I finally lock the front door for the last time, I’ll take a deep breath and say goodbye to that life.

To our home.

I am absolutely terrified and keep pulling back from Rico. I keep looking for a way out but he keeps reaching out. He keeps bringing me back into the shelter of his love and won’t let me go. He refuses to let me self destruct. He is so patient and loves me more than I deserve.

I told him that I’m afraid that he and his daughter are going to swallow me up.

That they will become my entire world and I am going to lose my identity.

He reassured me, again, that he’s not going to let that happen and would kick me out to go on hikes and adventures.

I just don’t know who I am anymore.

I told him that I couldn’t remember the last time that I felt pretty or confident.

I have gotten so good at hiding my emotions and my pain that I have lost myself.

The road trip helped me think and realize how much I need to work on myself.

I’ve been ignoring the check engine signs and I still need more time to figure out who I am supposed to be.

To who I want to become.

I don’t have to see the whole path, I just have to take one step at a time.

Finalizing the sale on the house is that first step.

One huge, heart wrenching step.