Love like my mother

It’s been about 3 months since I moved down and it has definitely been a learning curve for all of us.

I have become part of this family dynamic and it makes me happier than I could have ever imagined.

I had been kind of holding myself back and figuring out what role I would play in Naia’s life. Questioning myself if I was worthy to be a part of this family.

I had this shift in my heart about three weeks ago.

With our co-parenting schedule, we rotate weekends. I started keeping her all day on those fridays instead of dropping her off at grandmama’s house. We spend all day playing and doing activities.

We were both exhausted at the end of the day. After bedtime and reading some stories to her, I went to put her in bed. She asked if she could stay up longer and I told her no, that I was going to bed too.

I wasn’t.

I was just going to relax and have some alone time. Like a normal parent.

So she asks if she can sleep with me in our big bed. I sighed, agreed and we went into the big bed. I tucked her in on Rico’s side and we both laid down. She was moving around a lot so I told her she had to go to sleep or I was going to put her back in her own bed.

She stopped moving, closed her eyes and fell asleep immediately.

I just laid there looking at her and my heart just spiraled down. I knew I was lost. I love this baby girl so much and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. I just cuddled close to her without hugging her since she lets off heat like her daddy does.

Rico came home a few hours later from work, shifted her slightly and we all slept together with her in the middle.

I woke up before they did and they were both sleeping peacefully. Looking like a Disney prince and princess and I was more content that I ever imagined possible.

That night changed my whole outlook.

She woke up early that morning and was so happy to be with us. She was so silly and got so close to my face once she realized I had opened my eyes. She was careful to be very quiet and whisper that we had to get up and daddy was sleeping. It was endearing and heartbreakingly sweet.

We had early morning cuddles, watched a movie and made breakfast for daddy. It was something I won’t forget and probably one of my favorite memories so far.

Since then I have been so blissfully happy and even though it is exhausting sometimes, I am loving my life.

I’m not second guessing my place or if I deserve to be this happy.

I still think about Franco and look at the photos of us on the fridge daily but I know that he would be upset if I stopped myself from feeling worthy of this level of love.

I am so grateful for Franco. He put me back together when I fell apart years ago, he and I had so many adventures and have so many memories together. He let me do anything that I wanted and encouraged me to go out and explore. By loving Franco, I have been able to do anything I wanted so I feel very complete. I don’t feel like I have missed out in anything.

I think that is why I am enjoying being a parent figure so much. I have travelled extensively, I have completed a lot of bucket list items, I had multiple careers and experiences. I don’t have to do anything now but enjoy spending time with her. We can play as much as she wants and I can share new experiences with her.

Rico and I want to be the parents that we both needed when we were growing up. My mom was a single parent for 13 years so she was constantly working. She didn’t have a lot of time to play with us. She wasn’t able to go to the playground or watch me play sports. What she was able to gave us, is endless love, affection and support. I also had a very large and loving family environment with my extended family. I have been able to pass down family traditions like teaching her to bake like my grandma did with me.

Rico is one of the best fathers that I have ever seen. He is so patient with her and explains things in detail with her. He includes her in anything that he is doing, from projects to cooking. He is always present and takes such great care of her.

I never anticipated loving Naia has much as I do. I knew that I would love her but I thought it was going to be more like how I feel about my nieces and nephews.

I never anticipated that I would miss her on the weekends we don’t have her. That holding her hand makes my heart sigh. That her morning cuddles make me feel so loved and important.

I told my mom that I finally figured out just a small piece of how she feels about me and how much she loves me. I can’t even imagine how much pain that my mom felt when Franco died. I called her right after I received the news from his mom. She couldn’t do anything but listen to me cry on the phone. Knowing her baby was destroyed and not being able to fix it. She just comforted me, prayed for me and told me she would be on the next flight out.

That kind of love is what I want to give Naia.

My mother’s way to love.